How to Build Authentic Relationships With Your Students: 8 Tips That Can Make a Difference in Your Classroom
I remember, back when I was in college (go Bearkats!), my professors would constantly preach, “Relationships, relationships, relationships.” The same thing would happen in my first few years of teaching. The thing is, however, is that no one told me how to do this, merely that it was something to be done. Maybe they expected something magical to happen, I don’t know. So, I had to figure it out through trial and error.
“You can’t have a solid classroom management in place if you don’t build those relationships first.”
“Kids don’t learn from people they don’t like.”
While these things are true, it did take me a while to figure out how to do this in my classroom in a way that was authentic. I understood the benefits; I just didn’t know how to go about it. Keep reading to find out a few things I learned.
Tip #1: Your Students are People, Too
This is perhaps the single most important thing I can tell you: your students are people, too. They are not robots. They are not your minions. They have interests, dislikes, problems, and a personality. They're allowed to have their good days along with their bad days.
This means a few things:
Treat them how you want to be treated. Don’t like to be yelled at? Great - neither do your students. Don’t like to be called upon randomly and without warning? Some students hate that, too. Don't like group punishments? I doubt your students do! Don’t like to sit in a chair all day long doing paperwork? Newsflash: your students may also despise that. Obviously, circumstances may be different for different personalities and different demographics and different activities you may be participating in throughout the day, but at the very least, treat your students with the knowledge that they are people, too, who have thoughts and feelings. What you do and say to them matters.
The way you interact with one student will be different to how you interact with another student. This is especially true for differing grade levels. Some upper elementary students, as well as middle and high school students, may be able to understand sarcastic jokes, but your little ones will not and you will hurt their feelings. Keep in mind the student you are interacting with and proceed accordingly.
Tip #2: Show Some Personality
I don’t know about you, but I don’t like talking to people whom I don't know. Maybe it’s just the introvert in me, but I’m able to interact with people much more successfully if I know who they are and what they’re like. Are they silly? Do they like to make jokes? Are they more serious and don’t take kindly to certain things? Do they like similar things that I can talk about them with? Your students wonder the same things you do, so show some personality when appropriate.
Now, I’m not saying you lay it all out on the table - some things are not professional in the slightest, but be open with your students about your likes and dislikes, if you have any pets, if you have any kids, where you went to college, what some of your favorites are, etc. etc. etc.
This may be a hot take for some, but once I get my classroom management in order at the beginning of the year and let my kids know I mean business, I’m not afraid to be silly with them. I crack jokes. I use weird voices when teaching. I dance around the room. I sing to them. I make TikTok references. Kids learn best from people they like.
Tip #3: Go to Bat for Your Kids
During the 2023-2024 school year, I had one of the toughest group of fourth graders. They were (supposed) menaces during their third grade year. Constant office referrals. Constant fighting. Almost no learning was done. Teachers were spat at. Cursed at. Hit.
Working at a Title 1 school, this was not uncommon for me to hear of my students. However, I went into the year not going to place judgement on my students. I went in prepared, but was going to give them a fresh slate.
When every other classroom in the hallway was an absolute mess that year, and when these exact students were terrors in third grade, my partner teacher and I had it on lock. Our students were, overall, well-behaved. They listened. I put in only a handful of office referrals. There were no physical altercations in my homeroom. (Obviously, they are children and they had their bad days and were talkative at times, but I’m telling you - my students were like night and day compared to how I was told they were the year prior.)
What did we do that the other teachers did not do?
I truly believe it was the relationships we built with our students. We did not yell at them. We cared about what they had to say.
We advocated for them.
And it was noticed. I had many many teachers come to me that year and tell me they didn’t know how I did it. Well:
If a student came to me with an issue they had with another classmate, I did not brush it off and make it seem like what they were feeling didn’t matter. If able, I immediately spoke to the other student. If not immediately, I did later that day. Teachers in the previous school year did not listen to them. They did not correct behaviors. They let it go on.
Listen to your students. Advocate for them. Stand up for them. Do not let other students talk mess about them. Do not let them get the short end of the stick from any other teacher or admin. Your students will remember and will act accordingly.
Tip #4: Be Consistent in Your Classroom Structure
I’ve heard many teachers say, “No smiling until Christmas.” Meaning that they are extremely strict with their students and show zero personality with their students until Winter Break, where they will let up AFTER their routines, procedures, and expectations are rock solid.
While this may work for some, that’s not my vibe. In my opinion, it’s perfectly fine to show some personality with your students in the beginning AS LONG AS YOU set those expectations first. It’s all about balance. Don’t act like a fool on the first day of school because your kids may think they can act like that too, but you don’t have to act like a drill sergeant.
For me, consistency is key. Your students WILL push your boundaries. As the adult and authority figure, you must uphold those boundaries. Children crave structure and thrive within it, no matter how much they don’t want to admit it. Be consistent within your expectations. If you say Level 0 voice, do not continue speaking until you have Level 0. If you say 5 minutes to clean up the room, practice it over and over until they get it right. If you expect them to do a call back and response, do it over and over until every student does it back. There is no “sometimes we have to do this” or “usually we do this” when it comes your expectations. It is all the time, every time, with fidelity.
So, how does this relate to relationships? Well. If your students think they can walk all over you, they will not respect you, and it’s certainly not going to be an authentic relationship. Not only this, but students will be drawn to your structure, especially if they have none at home. (This is only the case if you are kind, however. Believe it or not, it is possible to be kind and at the same time not take any crap from anyone.)
Tip #5: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
It can take months to build a relationship, but seconds to destroy one. Please remember this when your student spills their water bottle all over their table, or when they knock over the pencil sharpener and shavings fly everywhere. (Obviously, the intent behind it is a factor here.) Or, even if they’re intentionally messing around but don’t realize the consequences that could happen.
For example, a few years ago, there was a student at my school who was in line with his classmates on the way back inside from recess. For whatever reason, he took his shoes off and was slinging them around. He wasn’t trying to hit anyone, he was just being an 11-year-old. Well, his shoes flew out his hands and landed next to a teacher’s feet. What did she do? She took his shoes. And refused to give them back. I’m unsure of what happened as a result, but I do know he was following her around outside without shoes. Do you think there was any chance for a positive relationship after that interaction?
I don’t think so.
Everyone makes mistakes. If it is a genuine accident, don’t sweat it. Help them fix it if they need your help, and move on. Think about how you would feel if you were in their position.
Tip #6: Respect is Mutual
I’ve always told my students: respect is a two-way street. I expect you to respect me and my classroom expectations, just like you expect me to respect you.
From my experience, many adults, and many teachers, don’t seem to understand this and seem to think that because they are smaller, children don’t deserve our respect. When, in fact, this is the opposite. Children need your respect - your attention, your time, your effort, your patience - or they will certainly not respect you, your classroom, or what you are teaching. This is especially true with older students. Give your high schoolers some autonomy - they are nearing adulthood, and they will most likely appreciate the opportunity to act like an adult. Set the bar high and your students will rise to the occasion.
Along these same lines, if you tend to yell at your students - stop. There is nothing worse than an unregulated adult trying to regulate an unregulated child. Really, it’s just showing them that it’s okay to behave that way when it’s not. Try out some different techniques to calm yourself before addressing your students. Personally, I did classic breathing. Sometimes I would even have the whole class breathe with me. Sometimes I would start singing my directions and expectations, which helped to regulate my nervous system.
Tip #7: Show Genuine Interest in Their Lives
Regardless of age, human beings desire connection of some sort, whether they are extroverts, introverts, or somewhere in between. Your students, as stated previously, are not robots and therefore appreciate when people take genuine interest in what they have going on. Ask your students about their weekend. Empathize with them when they vent to you about their younger sibling who steals all their clothes. Congratulate them on winning their soccer game and ask them to relay their favorite moment to you.
Be careful, however. Your students will most likely be able to sniff out if you’re a faker real quick. If you aren’t actually interested, it’s best not to overcompensate with too much enthusiasm.
Tip #8: Love Your Students
Hot take: If you don’t love your students, why are you there?
Now, I get it. Kids can be buttholes. I’m not saying you have to like them. But love them. Or , at the very least, care for them. Sometimes they may not get that love at home.
Please - NEVER let a student know you don’t like them. They will never forget that. Imagine how crushing that must be to a young, impressionable student?
I told my kids I loved them almost every day before they left for the day, and I wasn’t lying. (Remember: kids can sniff out fakers.) I wanted them to be their best self. I cared about their souls. Their lives. I still do, even if I’m no longer their teacher.
Your students may not love you back, and I tell them, too - it’s okay. It’s no pressure. But I find it important to verbalize to your students that you care about them. And, by doing all the other tips above, you can show them you care for them, too.
Actions speak louder than words, after all.
Looking for some fun ways to build relationships and community through games? Check out these digital icebreakers!
Questions, comments, or concerns? Drop any of those below, or tag me on TikTok or Instagram! My handle is @teachandachieve on both platforms. I’ll get back to you as quickly as possible.
Until next time!
-Aimee ♡
